Marriage Education for Couples on the Brink of Divorce

Relationship News, by Council for Relationships
Spring 2003 Issue
Rita DeMaria

Relationship & Marriage Education
When we marry, we aren¹t handed a manual that give us the do¹s and don¹ts, the guidelines, the rules that might make our marriage last. Most people believe that if we pick the right person and there is love that everything will work out. If it doesn¹t work, we must have picked the wrong person.  Well, it¹s not that simple. Intimate relationships do require love, but they also require nurturing - and commitment - and communication. Unfortunately, most of us were not taught what that means.

Today couples have another tool: relationship education. Courses that teach communication skills, problem solving techniques, anger management skills, sexuality enhancement and enrichment and even more. CFR has a variety of these programs. One of the most comprehensive is the PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills) Course. Here are the stories of two people, who participated in recent programs (names withheld to protect confidentiality).

Testimonial #1: My PAIRS experience is atypical in the sense that it did not lead to a reconciliation with my spouse. To the contrary, by the end of the course it had become apparent - first to her, later to me - that we could not give each other all of the profound benefits that PAIRS had taught us to expect in an intimate, loving relationship. The results: a truly peaceful divorce, negotiated without lawyers; greatly reduced emotional trauma to our teenage daughters; and a cooperative, ongoing relationship as parents. Even on the rare bumpy occasions with my ex-wife, I find myself falling back on PAIRS lessons to avoid exacerbating the situation. Most of our family and friends are astonished at how well we still get along.

Equally important are the benefits my PAIRS experience has provided to my second marriage. By reaching a better understanding of myself, what I bring to the table, and what I want in a partner, I made a conscious, fulfilling choice that fully reflects the intimacy PAIRS taught me to expect in a loving relationship. I am constantly aware of how I grew in the course, and
how that experience makes me a better partner today. Scarcely a day goes by that I do not find myself using one of the tools or attitudes I learned in the course to avoid my old pitfalls or enhance the relationship.

Testimonial #2: About two years ago, I filed for divorce. This was after years of being in a troubled marriage and after a few attempts at professional and spiritual counseling. I had two young children, but finally came to the decision that they would be better off not living in a tension filled home with two very unhappy parents. Our Pastor suggested that we attend the PAIRS program. At this point, I had no interest in doing anything but getting on with the divorce, and getting the pain behind me, but in the interest of our children, I agreed to take the PAIRS semester course. I went into it with a very cold heart ­ thinking that at least my guilt would be relieved if I took the course before finalizing the divorce, knowing that I had given it one last shot. All I really hoped for was that the PAIRS course would make our divorce more civil.

So it began in February of 2001. My husband and I traveled the 40 minutes every Tuesday night to the class. This was 40 minutes of thick, sickening, silence. After a few classes, I began to know a little about everyone. There was a couple that had been through PAIRS before, and just wanted a "refresher". There was a younger couple that wanted to learn these marriage skills before they got into any trouble. There were couples that had been through more traumas in their marriage then my husband and I, but there were no other couples that had already filed for divorce. We were certainly the long shots in this group. However, I have always been able to share my thoughts and feelings, so I rather enjoyed the classes and getting to know the people in the class. It would have been perfect ­ if I didn¹t have to have my estranged husband with me.

Week after week I learned about communication skills, problem solving, little kindnesses, my "emotional jug". My jug was certainly filled with negative emotions. Rita DeMaria, our instructor, told us that healing could not occur until we release all of those negative emotions on the surface, to get to the truly wonderful emotions suffocating below. I believed her, but did not believe that my emotional jug would ever be freed, at least in regard to feelings for my husband.

But slowly, things began to change. I learned many things about my husband. He has never been one to express his feelings, or to "share" his personal thoughts, but the atmosphere at the PAIRS course was so relaxed and safe, that he often did share things, even though he was never forced into doing so. I still did not like some of the things that he had done or said, but I
was beginning to understand where it all came from. I realized that all of his anger and dislike wasn¹t really directed at me, and he realized how what he did and said could really hurt me. I have to say, though, that the most surprising aspect of the class was how much I learned about me. I now understood why I reacted so strongly to certain emotional "triggers".

Understanding my husband and myself better did not immediately solve all of our problems, but it is amazing what a little understanding can do. Spending those weeks together working on us, even it at first it was "us" as individuals, made a difference in "us" at home. Slowly, very slowly, my husband and I began to be courteous to one another again; to really try to think about what would make the other one happy; to trust one another. We learned how to broach difficult situations in a style that worked with each other ­ instead of burying the problem, or screaming at one another.

Is everything perfect now? No way! But, I¹ve found my love for my husband again, and we are enjoying each other in a way that we have never been able to ­ not even during those first few honeymoon years of infatuation. It is amazing how what we have learned has helped every aspect of our lives. We are better parents, better co-workers, better children, simply better people because of what we have learned, and because we are now involved in a loving supportive relationship with one another. I would like all of the people that I love - parents, friends, and siblings - to take this course. It will be mandatory for my children, if they want us to help pay for their wedding.  I am certain that my husband and I will run into tough times again, but I am equally certain that we now have the skills to get through them. We, and our children, look forward to a fulfilling lifetime together.

Relationship education is for engaged couples, couples living together, singles trying to make sense of their relationships, and married couples. These stories provide a glimpse of what relationship education can offer.

Rita DeMaria, Ph.D. is Director of the PAIRS Program and is a therapist in the Spring House and Wynnewood offices. She is a leading teacher, public speaker and author of "Building Intimate Relationships." Dr. DeMaria can be reached at 215-628-2450.